Sat 23 May 2009
The other day one of my several bosses said, “you are so strong, Liz. You can survive anything!” The oft quoted and way over used adage promises, “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. Okay, so my question is this, are strong people born, or are we created by our circumstances? I submit the latter is true.
My parents divorced when I was 10. My mother had been a stay-at-home mom, but the summer I was eleven my mom went back to work, and I was put in charge of my three younger siblings. The truth is, I think all four of us were basically caring for ourselves. I, however, remember doing a good deal of the housework and preparing many of the meals. I often had dinner on the stove, in the oven, or on the table when my mom got home from work. Since I was the oldest, I was expected to be the strongest. That trend continued through my life. I always knew what was expected of me, and I purposed to be the good girl who lived up to those expectations.
I have survived many things, which might not have killed the weaker person, but most certainly would have (and has) crippled many. I do seem to come out on the other side of each one of life’s challenges stronger. But, I gotta tell ya…I don’t always feel strong and there have been many times I’ve needed to be weak. The problem, however, is that since everyone sees me as “the strong one”, people around me seem confused by the idea that I might sometimes be needy. The words, “I can’t” coming from my mouth are just about as effective as the babblings of a 12-month-old attempting a recitation of Shakespeare.
Several years ago I was hospitalized for 4 days following the surgical removal of my thyroid gland. My children were young and my husband was at home caring for them during my hospitalization. During those four days I had only one visitor besides my husband, and that person was not a family member. I sang in the church choir, was a part of the creative arts team, and was actively involved in several church ministries. As a part of those different groups I was often called upon to provide meals for people when they had babies, or were sick. But the meals never came when I was hospitalized. I was told that it had never occurred to anyone that I might need help, because I was “so strong”. Strong or not, I was unable to care for my family during the time I was hospitalized, and for weeks afterward. But, I came out of that experience stronger and more in tune to the needs of others than I ever had been before.
When we were in the throws of unimaginable drama I was in completely foreign territory. I had no idea what to do and who to trust. I was completely and totally alone. My husband and I were as distant as we’d ever been as neither of us had any idea how to help our family. People around me had NO CLUE as to how to help me. You see, since I was indeed the strong one, I had surrounded myself with people who needed me. I had been the caregiver for my whole life and I guess that role made me the most comfortable. I was drawn to people who needed me, and when the role was suddenly reversed, no one knew how to respond. When my daughter was missing I spent my mornings putting up missing posters, my days working, and my nights canvassing the city in search of her. Needless to say, my home chores were completely ignored. No one, I mean NO ONE asked me what I might need, or whether there was anything they could do to help. Again, I think it genuinely never occurred to anyone that I might be weak. Even my family was at a complete loss. I might just as well have been a stranger to them. Anyway, one day a friend called to say she had a “great idea” and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was going to bring another friend over and clean my refrigerator, because she knew that if she was in my shoes “the refrigerator would be the last thing I would be thinking about”. Well, that was true enough! But, when she told me her plan I immediately felt a brick settle on the top of my head and begin to crush me. I didn’t want anyone in my house – let alone in my refrigerator. I KNEW she wanted to help, but oh how I wished she had asked me what I needed instead of assuming she knew best. Before she came over I spent several hours I didn’t have cleaning the rest of my house so she wouldn’t see how unkempt everything was!
Listen, I appreciate how strong I am and I LOVE all the life lessons I’ve learned through our many challenges and trials. But listen people; even the strong ones are needy sometimes. Eventually my bucket will be completely empty and I will have nothing left to give. Knowing a person is “strong” is not an excuse to not help them out in time of real need!!! Trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is NOT the same as asking them what it’s like to be in their shoes! Thinking about what YOU might want in the same situation is NOT the same as asking the person in the middle of a crisis what THEY might want or need!
That which does not kill us makes us empathetic to the REAL needs of others.