Liz By Design

The other day one of my several bosses said, “you are so strong, Liz. You can survive anything!” The oft quoted and way over used adage promises, “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. Okay, so my question is this, are strong people born, or are we created by our circumstances? I submit the latter is true.

My parents divorced when I was 10. My mother had been a stay-at-home mom, but the summer I was eleven my mom went back to work, and I was put in charge of my three younger siblings. The truth is, I think all four of us were basically caring for ourselves. I, however, remember doing a good deal of the housework and preparing many of the meals. I often had dinner on the stove, in the oven, or on the table when my mom got home from work. Since I was the oldest, I was expected to be the strongest. That trend continued through my life. I always knew what was expected of me, and I purposed to be the good girl who lived up to those expectations.

I have survived many things, which might not have killed the weaker person, but most certainly would have (and has) crippled many. I do seem to come out on the other side of each one of life’s challenges stronger. But, I gotta tell ya…I don’t always feel strong and there have been many times I’ve needed to be weak. The problem, however, is that since everyone sees me as “the strong one”, people around me seem confused by the idea that I might sometimes be needy. The words, “I can’t” coming from my mouth are just about as effective as the babblings of a 12-month-old attempting a recitation of Shakespeare.

Several years ago I was hospitalized for 4 days following the surgical removal of my thyroid gland. My children were young and my husband was at home caring for them during my hospitalization. During those four days I had only one visitor besides my husband, and that person was not a family member. I sang in the church choir, was a part of the creative arts team, and was actively involved in several church ministries. As a part of those different groups I was often called upon to provide meals for people when they had babies, or were sick. But the meals never came when I was hospitalized. I was told that it had never occurred to anyone that I might need help, because I was “so strong”. Strong or not, I was unable to care for my family during the time I was hospitalized, and for weeks afterward. But, I came out of that experience stronger and more in tune to the needs of others than I ever had been before.

When we were in the throws of unimaginable drama I was in completely foreign territory. I had no idea what to do and who to trust. I was completely and totally alone. My husband and I were as distant as we’d ever been as neither of us had any idea how to help our family. People around me had NO CLUE as to how to help me. You see, since I was indeed the strong one, I had surrounded myself with people who needed me. I had been the caregiver for my whole life and I guess that role made me the most comfortable. I was drawn to people who needed me, and when the role was suddenly reversed, no one knew how to respond. When my daughter was missing I spent my mornings putting up missing posters, my days working, and my nights canvassing the city in search of her. Needless to say, my home chores were completely ignored. No one, I mean NO ONE asked me what I might need, or whether there was anything they could do to help. Again, I think it genuinely never occurred to anyone that I might be weak. Even my family was at a complete loss. I might just as well have been a stranger to them. Anyway, one day a friend called to say she had a “great idea” and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was going to bring another friend over and clean my refrigerator, because she knew that if she was in my shoes “the refrigerator would be the last thing I would be thinking about”. Well, that was true enough! But, when she told me her plan I immediately felt a brick settle on the top of my head and begin to crush me. I didn’t want anyone in my house – let alone in my refrigerator. I KNEW she wanted to help, but oh how I wished she had asked me what I needed instead of assuming she knew best. Before she came over I spent several hours I didn’t have cleaning the rest of my house so she wouldn’t see how unkempt everything was!

Listen, I appreciate how strong I am and I LOVE all the life lessons I’ve learned through our many challenges and trials. But listen people; even the strong ones are needy sometimes. Eventually my bucket will be completely empty and I will have nothing left to give. Knowing a person is “strong” is not an excuse to not help them out in time of real need!!! Trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is NOT the same as asking them what it’s like to be in their shoes! Thinking about what YOU might want in the same situation is NOT the same as asking the person in the middle of a crisis what THEY might want or need!

That which does not kill us makes us empathetic to the REAL needs of others.

Pastor Doug Holck – a music minister - used to say; “Talent (or “giftedness”) makes a way for itself”. He knew that if someone had a gift or a talent, that gift would find a way to be used. I well remember the day Doug called me into his office and invited me to be the drama director at the People’s Church in Fresno. I said, “I’m not sure I’m the right person for this job”, and I reminded him of the other talented people he had to choose from. He assured me I could do the job and was indeed the right person for the position. At that moment Doug became more than my choir director and friend – he became my mentor.

A few years later Dan Baker became the Assistant Music Minister under Doug and I could not have been more thrilled. Dan and his wife Karin were good friends of mine. We sang in the choir together, our children were the same age, and I worked in the church nursery alongside Karin. Beyond that, Dan was one of the most talented people I had ever met and I was so excited about the strength of our creative team. It didn’t take long, however, for things to turn sour. Doug told me that I would no longer be allowed to act in any production at the church. His reason? Well, because I wrote and directed he told me it wasn’t fair, and was “politically incorrect” for me to act as well. So, I auditioned for, and won the lead role in a production at the local theatre as I loved acting and needed an outlet for my passion. Doug told me I had proven my heart wasn’t in the right place and before long Dan and Doug began accusing me of saying things I didn’t say and thinking things I didn’t think. When I denied their accusations, I was called a liar. I was told I was controlling and manipulative. Even now I wish I understood what happened back then and why. But it is as much a mystery to me now as it was then.

While I didn’t really know what I’d done, and I knew in my heart that I didn’t deserve the criticism and judgment that was being dumped on me, I did want to learn. I was completely open to the fact that maybe – just maybe – Dan and Doug saw something in me that I didn’t see. I wanted to be the best person I could be and so I began searching my heart and soul for the answers. I prayed every day for wisdom and truth. Even as the light of truth began shining in my life, I let untruth take hold. I was allowing a small handful of people who I loved and trusted, to determine my worth. I was deemed, quite simply, unworthy.

A few weeks ago I was out early on a Saturday morning running a few errands. When I jumped in the car the radio was tuned to the local talk station. It took just a few seconds to realize that I was listening to a question and answer show about cars and I couldn’t change the channel quickly enough. However, something caught my attention. I can’t say what it was, but something caught my attention.

The caller was telling the moderators of the call-in show that he was from the East coast, had never driven a car, and knew nothing about cars. The man was in Fresno because his stepfather had recently passed away and he was here settling the estate. Upon arriving in town the caller learned that as executor of the estate he was now the owner of an old car. His question was simple – should he repair the car before selling it, or should he sell it as is? The radio show host couldn’t answer the man’s questions without more information, so he pressed him a bit further. “What kind of car is it?” “It’s a Chevrolet. My neighbor says it isn’t worth much because there’s no value in a gas guzzler.” The moderator pressed for more answers. “Tell me a bit about the car.” The caller told how the car had been purchased for his brother while the brother was serving in Vietnam. Unfortunately his brother had not returned and so the car had been covered and in a temperature controlled environment for 40 years! “What kind of car is it?” “It’s one of those sports cars”, the man calmly explained. “It’s a Corvette.” You could almost hear the radio guys holding their breath and the hearts in their chests cease to beat.

The caller had allowed his neighbor to determine the value of his newly inherited treasure. Was the neighbor hoping to buy the never before driven 40-year-old Corvette for much less than it was worth? Whatever his motivation, he had misrepresented the value of the car. The radio show host gave this piece of wise counsel, “Look for an expert on classic cars and let him look at the car and tell you what it is worth. My guess is, you have quite a treasure on your hands.”

In the years since leaving People’s Church my talent has definitely made a way for itself. I have written, directed, AND performed in many, many productions. I have worked with a number of churches in town, and with a local theatre company. I’ve made TV commercials and films. I teach and I write art-based curriculum. Not once, since Doug and Dan, has anyone accused me of being controlling or manipulative. Quite the contrary, I am told again and again that my team spirit is appreciated. In fact, I never feel so alive as I do when I’m a part of team working together to create something that will inspire, encourage, or bless others.

I’ve sought reconciliation with Doug on a number of occasions, but he has yet to respond. I have no idea what might have motivated him and/or Dan and Karin to say the things about me that they did all those years ago. But I do know that they were NOT the experts on my value or me. I need to go to The Expert.

When I was a little girl I collected sappy sayings. I loved the philosophical brilliance of such gems as, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, Cry and you cry alone”, “A day without laughter is like a day with sunshine” or, “All you need is love”, etc… I can still picture my blue cardboard binder, which was covered with these dazzling nuggets of truth. One of my favorite such sayings came from the movie, “Love Story”. You all know it – you’ve all used it. Let’s say it together….“Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. What a crock!

Love means, never FAILING to say you’re sorry! What is it about the human condition that keeps us from being quick to say, “I’m sorry” and more importantly, “please forgive me”? I understand we live in a country where taking personal responsibility is highly discouraged. I get the fact that every ill we suffer must be someone else’s fault, but grow up people!

My experience has been that it is neither easy to apologize, nor to accept an apology. In both scenarios all involved parties must take some responsibility and that ain’t easy. Several years ago I asked for (begged for, actually) a meeting with my good friend, Rhonda. I was desperate to reconcile with this woman whom I loved and respected, and I made up my mind to do whatever was necessary to get to that end. I sat opposite Rhonda at a small table on the patio of a Starbucks with Tom on one side of me and my friend Pam on the other side. For over an hour I listened to Rhonda voice all her objections to me – my weaknesses, my failings, etc… I even listen to her make judgments on me that were neither fair nor true. But still, I was there to reconcile. So, I sat there quietly until she asked, “Now, why did you call me? Why am I here?” I said simply, “I want to say I’m sorry and I’d like you to forgive me”. She rolled her eyes and said, “whatever”.

Tom was angry! He looked at Rhonda and said, “I’ve listened to this woman cry and miss you for 2 years. You are not going to dismiss this so casually”. And Rhonda said, “Okay, I forgive you. Can I go home now?” Wow! She could not have been less sincere and I knew the friendship I had cherished so dearly was forever over and there would be no reconciliation.

With Rhonda I was looking for forgiveness. I’ve also gone looking for an apology and I find those are VERY hard to come by. I once confronted a very mean woman named Shane. I had been her understudy in a show and I had left every single rehearsal for five weeks in tears because of her rudeness, cruelty, and obnoxious behavior. I was never so happy for the rehearsal process to be over, as I would never have to speak to that woman again. However, a couple of years later she lied to my best friend about an encounter we had and I had to address it. Her response? “I’m sorry you have a problem with me. I hope you find peace.” She never addressed her behavior, but rather she made me out to be the one with the weakness because I didn’t care for who she was. You’re right Shane, I don’t really care for people who consistently treat me with disdain. Silly me!

A few weeks ago I wrote to my sister to address my feelings about how she acted when she was here at Christmas and how much she hurt me. My sister was at one point in my life my best friend and I miss her terribly. I made a point to use words like, “I FEEL”, and I never once assumed that her motivations were impure. Her response? “I’m sorry I offend you. I won’t share my life with you anymore”! Wha….? “I won’t share my life with you anymore”? That’s your response? You don’t give a damn that you hurt me or made me feel stupid? Do you honestly think that I was telling you I did not want you to share your life with me? I addressed your behavior and how it affected me. I addressed the events of ONE DAY!!!!

I’m FAR from perfect. I have A LONG way to go getting that A+ in Relationship 101. But seriously…why is it so hard to say, “I’m sorry”? We all need to take personal responsibility and move on! Also, if someone asks for our forgiveness - give it! We’ll be better people for it…really we will! We don’t have to be best friends with that person or anything, but forgive them! We have no trouble asking God to forgive us. This is imperative to having a relationship with Him. What makes us so bold as to go before the throne of God and ask for His forgiveness, but not give it to someone who asks for it from us? Forgiveness is imperative to having a relationship with one another. Love is never FAILING to say, “I’m sorry”.

Sarcasm can be a great tool of expression. Comedian George Carlin used sarcastic humor as a way of shining a light on the ridiculous while simultaneously making us laugh. I’m a fan of the television show, “The Big Bang Theory” and the sarcastic wit is hilarious. Many writers use sarcasm to point out the obvious and inane and in the process they remind us to laugh at our own seriousness. Yes, I appreciate good sarcasm. There is, however, a line over which sarcasm crosses into unkindness. The line-crossers are what I call, plain and simply, a smart-ass.

I don’t do well around smart-asses. I can’t readily find the humor in what they say and just simply because they follow a verbal cruelty with the words, “just kidding” doesn’t make the unkind remarks any less hurtful. When I was a little girl I remember a particular evening when I became acutely aware of my daddy’s sarcastic humor and I knew at that moment that I didn’t like it. I was around 7 years old. My dad was sitting in his favorite recliner in the small living room. The glow of the television set softly lit the room and I was standing between the recliner and a small bookshelf. I can still see the recently purchased set of “Funk & Wagnall” encyclopedias neatly arranged alphabetically on the second row of shelves. I asked my dad a question and I believe I was looking for a truthful answer. I suppose psychologists would say I was looking for validation. Anyway, my question was simple, “Daddy, am I pretty or ugly?” My dad’s response came quickly, “You’re pretty ugly”, and he laughed as he turned his attention back to the small TV sitting across the room. I have no doubt my dad meant me no harm and that he would be shocked to know that 40 years later I so vividly recall that moment in my young life.

Whenever my side of the family gets together there is always an abundance of sarcastic bantering and thinly veiled insults being volleyed about. “Hey Lizzie, you look a little fat. Haha, just kidding.” “Hey, look who just walked in, Liz and her brats!” And on and on it goes. One person tells the other person she’s crazy (“just kidding”), someone criticizes a new haircut (“just kidding”), or someone wants to know why the food tastes so bad (“just kidding, hahahaha”).

I was pretty young when my parents got divorced so I don’t remember a lot about the dynamics of their relationship. They long ago married other people and are now pretty good friends and everyone gets together now and then for birthdays and holidays. I’m always entertained to watch and listen to my parents interact with one another. They become MUCH more sarcastic around one another than they normally are and the bantering is akin to a Wimbledon tennis match – with each returning the other’s fast paced slams with ease. It’s quite a tournament. At Christmas my brother-in-law came to visit and his sarcasm skills far surpass any other member of the family – which is a feat unto itself. My niece commented on how surprised she was at how adept my mom (her grandmother) was at keeping up with her step-dad and how easily she kept the verbal balls in the play. To be truthful, the game just makes me tired and I’m not a fan.

Smart, witty sarcasm serves as a mirror in which truth can be reflected. Smart-ass-ism is just mean! And sadly, smart-ass begets smart-ass.

It’s January 1, 2009. Wow. Doesn’t it just seem like yesterday that the entire human population was questioning the world’s chances of surviving Y2K?

New Year’s Day is traditionally the day on which the whole world decides unanimously to get thinner, be better, keep in closer touch, and stop smoking. This is the day we make resolutions we will most surely not keep – like we need something else to beat ourselves up over. So, I won’t make promises I will forget five minutes from now, and I won’t set goals I am not smart enough, talented enough, or brave enough to actually pursue.

For me 2008 was not a bad year. For the first time in many years my children are safe and healthy and full of peace. 2008 was the first year in about 10 years when I didn’t cry more days than not.

January: Dallas’s bio-dad makes contact through his Myspace. 23 years ago we could not have guessed how the Internet would change so much about our lives. I’m so grateful I never kept the truth from Dallas and that he always had contact with his Dad’s family. The door was always open and I’m so happy to know Dallas has been given the chance to get the answers he has so desperately needed.

February: An amazing woman – a friend, named Rose MacAlpine, passed away. She was beautiful and her family is her legacy of faith and beauty. Pastor Doug spoke so powerfully at Rose’s service and he urged reconciliation and relationship building for all those in attendance, as Rose was all about people. I wrote him a letter and asked, if he believed all he said, if reconciliation with me would ever be possible. He never responded. Set out to celebrate my birthday in Disneyland, but instead spent the whole day in the hospital with Tom undergoing a myriad of tests. He’s fine.

March: Drew turned 21!!

April: Attended “Women Of Faith” in Fresno. I am hungrier than ever to be an actor!! Tom was laid off from the job he’d had for 10 years. In fact, he was given a glowing review, received a hefty bonus and raise, and was laid off.

May: Tom was re-hired by Autodesk…different job, new department. At first he wasn’t so sure that the new job would be a good fit for him, but time has proven that it was the perfect fit.

June: Giana and I went to Africa!!! There are not enough words to describe how fulfilling and amazing those three weeks were. Gia is the most amazing young woman you could ever have the privilege of knowing. Malawi, Africa lives up to it’s name, “The Warm Heart Of Africa”.

July: Returned from Africa and back to my real life. Finished up the GCP workshop, and as always…I love those kids.

August: I saw the amazing fruition of a long held dream – the gathering of hundreds of women to honor the legends who have paved the way for all of us who have come after them. 50 women were honored for the contributions they have made to the ministry of Northwest Church over the past 50 years.

September: Northwest Church spent the entire month celebrating 50 years of ministry…such fun. Giana moves home.

October: Started a new school year, teaching drama in Kindergarten and 5th Grade. Tom celebrated a birthday.

November: Drew moves to Santa Cruz. I emcee at the Women’s Retreat at the Tenaya Lodge. I also get the opportunity to work with some great women on a couple of skits, and I do a monologue. I want to be an actor! ☺ Working hard on Candlelight.

December: Candlelight was a huge success ☺ Drew comes home when his bus breaks down – which leaves him homeless since he lives in his bus.

Happy New Year!

Dear Friend,

The Bible is very clear about when and how one should confront a fellow believer. The book of Matthew is especially clear on the pitfalls of judgment and gossip, and the importance of reconciliation. In fact, confrontation among believers should ALWAYS be with the intention of seeking reconciliation, NOT with the intention of tearing apart and tearing down.

Matthew 7:1-5 encourages us to remove the plank from our own eye before even attempting to remove the speck in the eye of our brother. The following questions should all be answered with a “yes” before we set out to correct or judge someone. If even one of the answers is a “no”, then the problem with the other person is most likely ours.

1. Is my criticism true? Well, SOME of the words I was accused of saying were true, but the motivations I was accused of having were completely false! “I had no choice but assume you were jealous of me.” Puhleeeze!! Did she honestly believe that I had no other reason to turn and walk the other way when I saw her walking towards me? Did she consider for even a moment that I might not have seen her? If I make a batch of brownies and decide to mix a tablespoon of manure into the batter, would you still be interested in eating the brownies? The chewy gooey delicacies won’t look any different, they may not even taste differently than the manure-less recipe, but I venture to say you will not want to eat them. Likewise, a statement that is mostly true, but is only sprinkled with a small falsehood (ie, an assumed motivation), is STILL FALSE!
2. Is my criticism necessary? I suppose it may seem necessary to someone who is trying to prove his or her point, but this question should be asked again and again. Of course, we should first refer to the above. If the criticism isn’t true, then it isn’t necessary!
3. Is my criticism kind? Um, “kind” isn’t anywhere on the list of words I would use to describe some of the criticism I’ve received.
4. Does the word of God support it? Absolutely not! Does the word of God support judgment? Does the word of God support lying? Does the word of God support gossip?
5. Does my criticism glorify God? Again, reconciliation glorifies God. Anything less is shameful.

Listen, God doesn’t rank sin. I am not less in the eyes of God than they are. They are not less in the eyes of God than I. However, they continue to refuse reconciliation because they have done something God won’t do – they have ranked my sin. They have looked for weakness where there was none and have even ranked the non-sin they pinned on me! So, my friend, tell me again why you chose her friendship over mine. Tell me family…why didn’t you even once defend me?

I’ve never really been a fan of the holiday gift game commonly called, “White Elephant” gift exchange. This is the popular company party game wherein everyone brings a non-gender specific gift valued at a pre-determined dollar amount – usually in the $15-$25 range. These white elephant gifts can be joke gifts (I once received a 5 pound can of tuna), theme gifts (wine, gift cards, lingerie, etc…), or you simply bring a gift that you might buy for yourself. The rules are simple. Everyone picks a number. Number 1 picks a wrapped gift. Number 2 then can steal the gift from #1, or pick a new gift. Each item can only be stolen twice, then it is frozen and the person who holds that gift is the final owner. And so the game continues. Why might I not be a fan of this game? Very simply, the game often brings out the mean and obnoxious side of the gift exchangers.

I had opportunity to do the white elephant thing twice this Christmas season. At the company party the set dollar limit was $15. The first gift chosen was a set of 15 screwdrivers. There were 28 gifts and the recipient of the screwdrivers spent the next hour trying to get someone to steal from him so he could pick out something else. I couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for the person who bought the under-appreciated gift. #26 took pity on #1 and he mercifully stole the screwdriver set so number one could go home with something that wouldn’t end up forgotten on the top shelf of a garage cabinet (or perhaps in the trash).

The second time I played the game this season was at one of the family gatherings. Playing the game was a first for my family and was my sister’s idea. She sent out an email saying that since the “big 3” (automakers) were struggling and the “government had finally admitted” that we were are indeed in a recession, let’s not worry about gifts for everyone, but rather let’s play the white elephant game. She suggested the gifts could be something practical like gloves, scarves, or lotions, or something silly like toothpaste. I suggested that since we were in such tough economic times, it made more sense to not spend our money on something that might end up in the trash, but rather buy stuff people would want or use. Let me remind you…it was my sister who suggested we not buy individual gifts, but that by playing this game we’d all go home with a gift.

There was a $15 limit, so I bought a couple of Starbuck’s gift packs, some nice lotions, a set of picture albums, and a couple pair of warm socks. I would have been happy to go home with any of those gifts and I was looking forward to seeing what everyone brought. Well, it quickly became obvious that my sister (whose husband was spending Christmas with us for the first time in their six years of marriage), had brought gifts for everyone IN ADDITION to the white elephant gifts. What? Why, since she was the one worrying about tough economic times did she do that? She didn’t just bring small gifts, but she presented my mom with a new kitchen range! A NEW KITCHEN RANGE!! Did you see “Four Christmases”? Remember the scene where Vince Vaughn’s character gives his nephew an X-Box? The kid’s mom says, “apparently you didn’t know about the $10 limit”, and the brother says, “Dude, where’d you find an X-Box for $10?!”

I left the family gathering feeling stupid and manipulated. What was the purpose of suggesting the game as an alternative to gift buying in this “tough economic” time, then outdoing everyone else? Any gift is appreciated – regardless of size or cost. I don’t count the value of Christmas by the number of gifts I receive. In fact, the exact opposite is true. I spent two Christmases without one or more of my children, and I cherish having them around – whole and healthy, more than any gift I will ever receive. I do, however, love the idea of shopping for people I care about and buying each person something especially for them. I feel a bit like I was cheated out of that joy this year. On Tom’s side of family we choose names each year and it means a lot to go out and pick out something I know will be loved and appreciated by the person whose name I selected. Buying generic, impersonal gifts was not all that gratifying. Of course, my sister didn’t follow her own rules and therefore got two gifts – the white elephant gift and the gift of gratification that comes with presenting something personal to her family members. Yep, I feel a bit cheated.

Matthew 23:12-14 (Amplified Bible)

12Whoever exalts himself [[a]with haughtiness and empty pride] shall be humbled (brought low), and whoever humbles himself [whoever has a modest opinion of himself and behaves accordingly] shall be [b]raised to honor.

13But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, pretenders (hypocrites)! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces; for you neither enter yourselves, nor do you allow those who are about to go in to do so.

14[c]Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, pretenders (hypocrites)! For you swallow up widows’ houses and for a pretense to cover it up make long prayers; therefore you will receive the greater condemnation and the heavier sentence.

I’ve written before about those folks I know who have taken up permanent residence in a beautiful land called, “Denial”. Everyone who lives in Denial seems happy and content. I had someone recently ask me to make sure I always withheld information from him that may disrupt his happy life in Denial.

I wish I could live there! Reality keeps slapping me in the face and I’ve never been able to spend more than a few blissful hours in Denial. But, I confess, the time there was delightful, so I understand the draw. However, my ticket to Denial is always a round-trip ticket and I always get on the train that takes me back to reality.

Bummer….

Sometime last week, here in the Fresno area, a young woman’s body was discovered on the side of a road wrapped in a blanket. At first it was assumed that she was the victim of homicide. It was learned, however, that she had died from a drug overdose and her body had been discarded. Discarded by whom? A couple of days ago another body was found - this time it was a man found in a dumpster. Again, he died of a drug overdose and his body was put in the dumpster.

How sad! When my kids were caught up in drug addiction they believed with all their hearts that the people they were hanging out with were real friends. It was so hard for me to watch my kids dedicate so much time and emotion to people with whom they had little in common, outside of the drugs. I wonder if it was “friends” who dumped the bodies of the two young people who so tragically lost their lives to their addiction. In the days and hours prior their deaths, they were most likely hanging out, maybe watching TV or listening to music. I bet they told a few jokes, laughed with their friends, talked on the phone, or maybe bought a gallon of milk and a pack of cigarettes at 7-11. A few days before their death they may very well have been in the trusted company of people they cared about - and then they died.

What went through the minds of the people who discovered the body of their friend? Did they panic? Did they feel remorse or fear? Was it a group of people who came up with the plan to dump the body of their friend, or was it a lone person? I know from watching the effects of drugs ravage the minds of my beautiful children that when a person is using they cannot think clearly or rationally. A user sees things that are not real, feel things that cannot be felt when sober, and rationalizes where there is no logical rationale.

There were so many nights I laid awake praying that the body found in a sleazy motel room, or in a dark alley would not be that of my child. Today I am praying for the families and friends of two young people who are the latest victims of this terrible disease called addiction.